


If I Had a Heart I Could Love You

by SolarMaga



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gwaine Being Gwaine, Gwaine being dense, M/M, Mentioned Freya, Mentioned Will
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-02-06 05:56:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12811101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SolarMaga/pseuds/SolarMaga
Summary: Given Merlin’s track record he felt himself quite justified in his brutal crushing of any romantic feelings, no matter how vague. Besides, Merlin had a destiny. He had to keep a close watch on Arthur, how could he do that if he was too busy being in love?Compared to Merlin, Gwaine opened his heart wholly to anyone willing to peek within, that didn’t mean though that any one person held his heart. No, Gwaine left himself open to any but never let anyone in long enough to take root.Merlin refusing to accept that he might possibly have romantic feelings for anyone. Gwaine can't quite figure out why he keeps thinking kissing his best friend until he does. Poor Lancelot is left shaking his head at the two of them. So what if the Perfect Knight tries to push his friends into each others arms? Someone had to do it.





	1. Given His Track Record

Given Merlin’s track record - _multiple misunderstandings, a **very** close friendship with another boy in his village, and one kiss with a girl whom later turned out to have been cursed_ \- he felt himself quite justified in his brutal crushing of any romantic feelings, no matter how vague they might be.

  
Besides, Merlin had a _destiny_. He had to keep a close watch on Arthur, how could he do that if he was too busy being in love? If there was one thing Merlin learned from his rather brief encounter with Ferya, it was that he could never act on any feelings of love. It had taken Merlin one kiss and he had been more than willing to abandon Arthur to face destiny alone. Merlin could not allow that to happen again.

  
So in that way, Merlin closed of the romantic part of his heart. If you were to ask Merlin, he would happily announce that it was much better this way.

  
Compared to Merlin, Gwaine opened his heart wholly to anyone willing to peek within, that didn’t mean though that any one person held his heart. No, Gwaine left his romantic heart open to any but never let them in long enough to take root. Being the womanizer that he was Gwaine never had any trouble admitting it when he fancied someone. To him such feelings were common and nothing to be ashamed of so he would often and readily act on such stirrings. Sure his feelings were fleeting, but they were always warm and bright.

  
Neither Merlin nor Gwaine loved at all like Arthur and Lancelot; those two only truly loved once and deeply; while Gwaine's romances were as quick as they were numerous. His loves were all whirlwinds; quick, passionate and brightly burning. Despite what others would say about him Gwaine never felt that such feeling should in anyway be considered lesser than Lancelot’s or Arthur’s.

  
Because of Gwaine’s open acceptance of all forms of love he didn’t quite notice his own feels as they shifted. Thinking back Gwaine couldn’t pinpoint just when his feelings changed, he supposed it was because they hadn’t changed overnight but had rather slowly shifted like season: one never truly noticed the shifting of summer to fall until one looked around to see that all of the leaves had gone and changed color.

  
That was how Gwaine noticed that his feelings for Merlin had changed: one day Merlin was his first and best friend and he would do anything to protect his smile, the next; Gwaine wanted nothing more than to be reason for that smile and before he kissed it right off his best friends face.

  
For all his experience in love Gwaine had never been in love quite like this, had never wanted to be anyone’s reason to smile before. This meant that Gwaine found himself quite out of his depth when he first noticed that his feelings for Merlin.

  
But, as I said before; it was with a slow shifting that Gwaine’s feelings had changed.

 

~~o~~

 

Being a knight of Camelot turned out to be a lot more work than Gwaine had quite expected. That being said, he wouldn’t give it up for the world.

  
In Camelot Gwaine had friends, he had a home, he had a place he belonged. Even if Camelot hadn’t take up permanent residence in his heart Gwaine would still happily take up sword to protect it as Camelot was so dear to Merlin and Merlin was Gwaine’s first and best friend. Something that - _in Gwaine’s book’s_ \- meant that he would do anything for Merlin.

  
This was something Gwaine often reminded himself of during early morning training at the hands of Leon and Arthur. It helped keep him sane.

  
“Come on lads! It’s a training dummy not a Maiden! **Hit It!** ” Leon bellowed, walking up and down the line of newly knighted men.

  
At Leon’s encouragement Percival chopped his training dummy clean in half, much to Leon’s praise and the amusement of the rest.

  
The sun was past it’s peak, as the knights had already broken for lunch well over two hours ago, the air was still growing warmer though and Gwaine wanted nothing more than to be rid of his armor but he knew from experience that should he remove it during training Leon would have his head. The senior knight was always keen to remind them that while they were knighted, and that while they had all done a fine job helping to retake Camelot; Lancelot, Percival, Elyan, and Gwaine were still very much untrained.

  
At least Arthur and Leon went through much, if not all, of it with them.

  
It was mid afternoon when Arthur called for a break at which point many of the knights, namely Lancelot, Elyan and Percival, removed themselves to the shade of nearby trees.

  
While Merlin, saint that he was, had sprung right up at Arthur’s call for rest and began handing each of the knights fulls water skins. Something each of Arthur’s ‘Commoner Knights’ were very grateful for.

  
“Here Gwaine,” Merlin chirped happily offering his friend the dripping water skin. “You’ll need it, Arthur plans for you all to be out here till sun down!”

  
Flushed with heat Gwaine drank long and deep. “You my friend, are a saint.”

  
The praise found Gwaine rewarded with one of Merlin’s winning smiles, that was the first time Gwaine had ever wanted to kiss another man.

  
The feeling was so strong and so sudden that Gwaine almost had kissed his friend right then and there without even having thought of it. As it was he had already lifted his hand, making to pull the skinnier yet taller man close enough, when Arthur called Merlin away. Surprised by himself Gwaine swiftly masked the action by reaching back to mess up his own hair.

  
With a far off thoughtful gaze Gwaine watched Merlin as he helped Arthur tighten some strap or another on his armor. Alone, and leaning against the the wooden waist high fence of the sparring ring Gwaine was left to ponder just why he’d felt the sudden urge to press his lips to Merlin’s. Unable to figure out just where the urge had come from Gwaine soon found himself pulled from his musing by Leon’s shouting and his train of thought was quickly lost to the summer’s heat and the clash of steel.

 

~~o~~

 

It was well over a week before Gwaine felt such uncommon urges for his friend once more.

  
The second time was just as innocent: the Knights had been practicing late and while the others left Gwaine opted to rest a little under an old oak tree. The sun was setting and Gwaine had fallen asleep under the oak tree a few paces from the training grounds.

  
When Gwaine hadn’t returned with the other Merlin noticed and when the sun began to set Merlin went out looking for his friend. That was how Merlin found the habitually drunk Knight asleep like a child under an oak tree.

  
With a light laugh Merlin crouched by his friend a shook him awake.

  
“Come on Gwaine, the training grounds are no place to sleep, imagine if Arthur saw you! He might actually move your quarters out here.” Merlin mused laughing even more.

  
“Imm not sleepin’.” Gwaine mumbled, cracking an eye open and smirking at Merlin.

  
“Ahh yes, and Arthur isn’t a prat.” Merlin countered, easily pushing his way skyward before offering Gwaine a hand up.

  
“Okay, well I’m not sleepin’ now.” The knight corrected himself. He took the offer of help and stood stiffly, he was weary from training and stiff from napping under the tree.

  
Rubbing sleep from his eyes with one hand, Gwaine’s other hand was still tangled with Merlin’s, something that completely slipped his mind.

  
Feeling a hand in his hair Gwaine’s eyes shot open to find that Merlin was closer than he’d thought. Gwaine was almost standing on the poor boy. This close to Merlin Gwaine was painfully aware of a few things. Firstly: the scant inch or three that Merlin had on Gwaine by way of height - _a fact that Merlin wasn’t helping while he picked leaves and bits of bark and grass from Gwaine’s hair_ \- second would be how strong the boy smelt of armor polish, fresh hay, and herbs, third would be just how badly he wanted to kiss the slightly taller man whose nose was little more than a hair's breadth from his own. Fourth had to be how warm his face was feeling and Gwaine thanked every God he’d ever heard of that the setting sun was dying everything red.

  
It was almost torture for Gwaine because Merlin didn’t even seem to notice, he was too busy picking plants from Gwaine’s hair. Gwaine was using this distraction on Merlin’s part to mentally beat down both his blush and the urge to kiss that silly smile off his best friend’s face.

  
To think that Merlin even had the nerve to smile at Gwaine like he was some small child! It was as cute as it was infuriating.

  
“You’re a mess Gwaine,” Merlin informed his friend, flicking away a caterpillar.

  
Gwaine just snorted and finally forced himself back a step. “Thank you mother cat for the grooming.”

  
Once again Merlin treated Gwaine to his laughter. “Well someone ought to keep you presentable for all the ladies of Camelot!”

  
Gwaine and Merlin laughed almost the whole way back to the castle. That night Gwaine was too tired to visit a tavern but he was still up late wonder just where the urge to kiss Merlin was coming from.

 

~~o~~

 

Over the next fortnight Gwaine felt the need to kiss Merlin no less than 8 more times.

  
Each time Gwaine forced down the urge until he could put some space between himself and his friend. It was getting a little out of hand now as far as Gwaine was concerned he didn’t want to keep avoiding Merlin like this but it wasn’t like Gwaine could actually kiss Merlin either.

  
For one: Merlin was Gwaine’s first and best friend; and while Gwaine didn’t have much experience with friends something told him that kissing one’s best friend out of nowhere was probably a good way to thoroughly bloch that friendship.

  
So on the kissing Merlin front Gwaine found himself right properly boned either way.

  
For another thing: Gwaine didn’t kiss other men. Not that he held it against people who did, it just wasn’t something Gwaine had ever done before.

  
This presented Gwaine with something to consider: Did wanting to kiss Merlin make him gay?

  
The jury was out on that one.

  
So it was that, up to his elbows in ale at the local tavern, Gwaine decided that at least some research was required of the gay front. It seemed to Gwaine that the only way to do such research would be to find an attractive and willing man and see if he felt the urge to kiss him.

  
With what Gwaine deemed a solid and logical plan he downed his ale and Gwaine began looking for just the right sort of man with which to begin testing whether or not he really was gay.

 


	2. Might be a Little Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwaine gets his face knocked in during training and Lancelot is the only one who really seems to know anything but that's because he has eyes and he knows how to use them.

The dawning of the morning sun also saw the dawning of Gwaine’s morning hangover. After a whole week of ‘researching’ - _which honestly really just meant getting ridiculously sloshed and hitting on literally anything human and trying to kiss anything that flirted back_ \- Gwaine could say that he wasn't really gay. Just very slightly gay as he had actually woken up two different guys; not together, on one at a time, he had some restraint! This also meant he still had no idea as to why he would want to kiss Merlin. Gwaine had figured out that he might have liked company of men but neither of the guys were anything like Merlin beyond dark haired. Did Gwaine have a 'type' when it came to men? He wasn't sure. All he knew was that after two solid months of 'research' he'd only taken two guys back to his room and according to both of them Gwaine had been to drunk to do anything beyond make out. Did that even count as gay? Gwaine felt it shouldn't count.

  
Then Merlin smiled at him during early afternoon sword practice.

  
Distracted as he was Gwaine failed completely to block Percival’s blow and was knocked clean off his feet. Flat on his back and gasping like a fish out of water Gwaine recounted his previous thoughts:

  
“Might be a little gay.” He wheezed to a very concerned looking Percival and Lancelot.

  
Luckily for Gwaine Percival didn’t notice and Lancelot was always a perfect knight so even if he had noticed he wouldn’t end up saying anything to anyone.

 

~~o~~

 

Gwaine’s whole front was bruised from Percy's blade, along with his bottom and back from the landing, wearing armor was a whole new level of torture but at least Arthur had granted him the rest of the day off; it was at least a small reprieve from training.

  
A day he spent, sneaking food from the kitchens, flirting with castle maids, wandering aimlessly, and eating apples on the castle ramparts. Watching the sun slowly fall lower in the sky, and with Camelot spread out below him Gwaine almost found it to be a perfect afternoon. The two broken notes being the pain in his ribs and the absence of Merlin.

  
“You said something very strange earlier on.” Lancelot said from behind Gwaine, scaring the dark haired knight half to death in the process.

  
Gasping and choking on his bite of apple Gwaine sent Lancelot a murderous look.

  
“Sorry,” the intruder smiled having the grace to look ashamed.

  
“Make a noise next time!” Gwaine shot back between coughs.

  
Lancelot held out a water skin to his comrade in arms, Gwaine took it a swallowed deeply. He gave Lancelot a questioning look but kept drinking either way.

  
“I never expect you to keep mead around.” Gwaine said giving the model knight a _very_ suspicious look.

  
“Oh I don’t, figured your tongue might be a little looser if plied with quality mead first.” By the smile on Lancelot’s face the man seemed quite pleased with himself.

  
“And why the need to loosen my tongue? Here I was, thinking you all wanted nothing more than for me to shut up.” Gwaine, though still suspicious, was smiling. It was no secret that when on patrols or quests Gwaine was often talking the whole ride. Many of the knights didn't mind at first. After all Gwaine had a lot of stories, most of them good.

  
The two knights chuckled at Gwaine's expense before Lancelot took on a very serious look. “What was it you said after Percival knocked the stuffing out of you? ‘ _Might be a little gay_ ’?” He quoted.

  
This time Gwaine choked on his mead.

  
This time Lancelot patted him on the back

.  
“So you heard?” It wasn’t really a question, but Gwaine still asked and gave Lancelot a withering look.

  
“Yes I did, no one else seems to have heard you though. So care to explain?”

  
Lancelot moved to look over the ramparts, resting his hands on the old, sun warmed stone, looking out over Camelot; over their home.

  
With a fortifying swig of mead Gwaine joined Lancelot in looking out over land. “Just something I’ve been thinking about lately. . . . a lot lately actually.”

  
Lancelot didn’t say anything, just hummed his acknowledgment.

  
“I think. . . .” Gwaine began, pointedly not looking at Lancelot. “I’ve just been thinking that I might . . . .” Gwaine trailed off again. Saying it out loud was a lot harder than he’d ever though it might be. But then again, Gwaine was never one to deny his feelings no matter what they might be. “While I’m not too sure that I’m not gay. Until Merlin’s involved, then I might actually be at least a little gay. Or maybe I'm just sort of a touch gay? Or maybe it’s like I’m not gay and Merlin’s just the exception.”

  
That sounded strange, how could he not be gay, but still feel like this?

  
The tingling feeling under his skin told Gwaine that Lancelot was looking at him. Sure enough when he turned his head Lancelot was looking at Gwaine like he had two heads.

  
“What?!?!” Gwaine demanded with all the indignation he could possibly manage.

  
“Are you saying you’re in love with Merlin? _Our_ Merlin?” Lancelot asked, emphasizing the ‘Our’ part by gesturing between the pair of them.

  
“No, the Merlin that mends sheets in the lower city. Yes _Our_ Merlin!” Taking another deep drink from the skin of mead Gwaine shrugged. “I don’t know what I’m saying. All I know is that I keep wanting to kiss Merlin.”

  
To his credit Lancelot didn’t laugh. In fact he didn’t make the whole matter any harder on Gwaine than it already was, but he didn’t make it easier either. He just hummed acknowledgment with a slight nod. But he did steal a swig of mead; though under the circumstances Gwaine found this acceptable. “That does sound like you might be a little gay for Merlin.”

  
It was Gwaine’s turn to hum his acknowledgment.

 

~~o~~

 

While Gwaine hadn’t confessed his undying love, he had admitted - _to being what? Merlin-sexual?_ \- that he felt something for Merlin.

  
Out loud.

  
To an actual person.

  
To Mister Perfect-Model-Knight-Lancelot no less.

  
At least when confessing such things to a man as trustworthy as Lancelot, Gwaine could be quite sure that Lancelot wouldn’t tell anyone else.

  
That still meant the Gwaine had yet to say something to literally anyone else. Namely he had yet to say anything to Merlin; and if anyone ought to know of Gwaine’s growing affections for the lanky man it was said lanky man himself that ought to know.

  
Something that Lancelot had taken to pointing out no less than four time a day.

  
“It’s Merlin, he’s your best friend! Just tell him, what’s the worst that could happen?” Lancelot was saying for at least the dozenth time that week, during a break from sparring, while wiping sweat off his brow.

  
“For one I could die.”

  
_‘What’s the worst that could happen?_ ’

  
Well as Lancelot was starting to learn, if you asked Gwaine quite a lot of very bad things could happen. They all ended with Gwaine being hated by Merlin and in at least a quarter of them: dying. Actually _dying_.  Then - _if Gwaine survived telling Merlin_ \- he was once more exiled from Camelot. Gwaine had been kick out of plenty of places and thus had a lot of fuel for his imagination. At first Lancelot had no idea how Gwaine came to such conclusions, he made the mistake of asking once. After that Lancelot simply accepted that Gwaine had more imagination than anyone Lancelot had ever met.

  
“The look of disgust in Merlin’s eyes comes to mind when he finds out that I’m some -some bloody arse bandit!” Gwaine announced; sounding just a little panicked not that he’d admit it or that Lancelot would mention it.

  
“Now I really don’t think Merlin would think you’re any sort of ‘ _Arse Bandit_ ’.” Mister Perfect was saying, trying to pacify his fellow knight.

  
Gwaine on the other hand wasn’t having any of it.

  
With a sigh Lancelot gave in, this wasn’t getting them anywhere. “Or I suppose you could just try drinking your feelings away. I mean, that is what you normally do isn’t it?” It was a feat of pure strength of will that kept the contempt and sarcasm out of Lancelot voice.

  
“I like that plan.”

  
Huffing Lancelot left to spar with Arthur but not before muttering under his breath. “Of course you do.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who gave kudos, commented, and bookmarked you make my day!
> 
> Find more of my work @ fanfiction.net/~solariaa
> 
> Anyways that all for now,give kudos, favorite, comment, bookmark, review, follow, I don't know but if you liked it let me know because I survive off of attention.


	3. Wait, They Don't Love You Like I Love You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwaine gets really drunk and says somethings he probably shouldn't have said

Once all of his knightly duties had been properly attended to - _more because Lancelot was a good and proper knight than anything_ \- Gwaine left for one of the local travens. With Lancelot in toe at Arthur’s behest to kept an eye the most rowdy of the new knights.

  
“I can’t help it!” Gwaine was drunkenly explaining for the 5th time to Lancelot. “You know how cute he is!”

  
After the first few drinks Gwaine had started to open up, after the first half dozen drinks Gwaine’s mouth was a torn pocket and the only thing of his mind was Merlin. How nice Merlin was, how good looking, how much he shouldn’t think about Merlin like he was, how just overall great Merlin was, and how he really shouldn’t feel the way he did about Merlin.

  
Unable to really say much on any Merlin related topic, not the Gwaine would likely remember in the morning, Lancelot just made vague noises of agreement and understanding as Gwaine continued his drunken ramblings. Letting his mouth run on autopilot Lancelot took the time to once more reflect on how brilliant he’d been by having moved the pair to a lonely dark corner of the tavern.

  
It was then that Lancelot noticed a particularly tall and skinny man waving rather enthusiastically at the pair.

  
Great, just bloody perfect. Merlin was here.

  
It wasn’t that Lancelot didn’t like Merlin, Merlin was his best friend; alway would be. No, Lancelot was just feeling sorry for Gwaine. His fellow knight was three sheets to the wind, drunk off his ass and couldn’t stop talking about the very same man that was excitedly making his way to them through the crowd.

  
This was starting to look a lot like a very, _very_ , long night.

  
Or, Lancelot considered, he could just let Gwaine drunkenly confess his undying love for the warlock in hiding. As far as Lancelot was concerned Merlin could use a little love in his life, why not Gwaine? He could be a fine man, if he learned to keep ‘ _It_ ’ in his pants.

  
“Lancelot, Gwaine,” Merlin greeted his friends with a smile bright enough to rival the very sun.

  
Much too late to do anything now Lancelot resigned himself to making sure Gwaine didn’t get too out of hand, and slid over to make room for Merlin.

  
“Hello Merlin, didn’t know you came here.” Lancelot said when it became clear that Gwaine couldn’t find his tongue. Whether from too much drink or because the knight was merely intoxicated by Merlin’s presence: the world may never know. Lancelot though, suspicious a bit of both to be involved. He also figured that a speckless Gwaine might be a good thing at the moment. There was the distinct possibility that Gwaine might be drunk enough to confess his undying love. Something that Lancelot was still debating the pros and cons of.

  
Merlin rolled his eyes, “I don’t. But Arthur sent me to check on you and Gwaine, mostly Gwaine really.”

  
“What?” Lancelot laughed, “Does the King have so little faith in me?”

  
It was at this point that Gwaine leaned over Lancelot to hug Merlin. This hug was followed by a long string of mumbled nonsense further muffled by Merlin’s chest and drowned out by the din of the tavern. Which was probably for the best as Gwaine was apologizing for his feelings to Merlin.

  
Laughing and patting his drunken friend’s back Merlin tried in vain to get his friend to sit back up. “Come on Gwaine, it’s okay. How about we get you to bed, what do you say? Sounds like a good plan right?”

  
A little more prodding and soon Lancelot was half helping, half dragging Gwaine out of the tavern with Merlin hovering about the pain of knights like an overprotective mother hen. Once the trio reached the knights quarters Merlin took over the duty of helping Gwaine to bed. Lancelot did try to protest, really he had, but he was tired and Merlin was insisting, so Lancelot just shrugged. He’d done all he could to help now it was up to Gwaine not to bloch thing up too badly.

  
“Come Gwaine, just stand here.” Merlin was say and he fought to open the door to Gwaine's rooms.

  
Gwaine was just nodding sleepily and enjoying his view of Merlin. “You know Merlin, I love you.” He said sleepily as Merlin finally forced the door open.

  
Already quite used to all sort of drunken confessions Merlin just nodded with his ever present smile. “Oh yes, I love you too, you, Arthur, Lancelot; you guys are my best friends after all.”

  
Dragging his friend into the dark room Merlin took a long look at Gwaine, peeked up and down the hall, and decided that Gwaine was too drunk to notice a few strange happenings and even if he wasn’t, he was surely to drunk to remember them come morning. So helping Gwaine to stand once more Merlin lead the knight into the dark room, and with a flash of gold the door shut itself and candles lit themselves.

  
Gwaine was too preoccupied notice. “Not like that!” He was announcing with indignation.

  
“Not like what?” Merlin asked as he helped Gwaine to his bed.

  
“Not like that,” was all Gwaine could mumble.

  
Merlin could feel Gwaine’s intense stare as he pulled the knight’s boots off for him. “Okay well then get to bed then, I have to get back to Gaius’ chambers and get some rest myself.” Merlin was saying.

  
All Gwaine could think about was how he was a _little_ gay and how Merlin wasn’t understanding at all. So when Merlin stood to leave Gwaine didn’t think and just grabbed Merlin’s hands.

  
“Wait,” was all he said.

  
Not understanding what the problem was Merlin decided it was best to just humor his friend until he passed out. “Okay, I’ll wait.”

  
“Not like that,” Gwaine repeated after a long heavy pause. “I don’t love you like that.”

  
Looking up at his lanky friend Gwaine might have been drunk but he was sober enough to see that Merlin wasn’t quite understanding. “Lancelot and Arthur,” He began trying to elaborate, to explain just what he meant. To let Merlin know that he wasn’t quite as straight as any of them - _himself included_ \- had thought. “They don’t love you like I love you. Don’t you get it? I love you.”

  
Suddenly Merlin did get it, whether or not he believed it was another matter. “I get it, so go to bed.”

  
Quite happy that he’d made himself clear on the matter Gwaine promptly went to sleep.

 

 

~~o~~

 

The next morning Gwaine woke up hungover, the sun only a thin sliver peeking over the horizon, and with an unexplained, vague feeling that he’d thoroughly fucked up. It didn’t take him long to remember just _why_ he might feel that he’d fucked up. While Gwaine couldn’t remember the specifics he did remember how important it had been that he make Merlin understand that he was in love with him. Gwaine could also remember his pride at having finally gotten his point across.

  
Groaning with shame at his own drunken stupidity Gwaine rolled his way out of bed and left to steal some breakfast from the kitchen before trying to blowing off steam before practice by taking his emotions out on training dummies.

 

~~o~~

 

Lancelot woke as he often did: bright eyed and bushy tailed.

  
While the model knight did wonder just how things had turned out between Merlin and the drunken Gwaine after they’d parted ways the night before Lancelot was willing to bet that it hadn’t gone nearly as bad as Gwaine had kept imagining.

  
Besides, it was a fine day outside of Lancelot’s window. Opening his window to greet the day, Lancelot looked out enjoying the brisk morning air, the sun was just starting to show it’s face, there were huge fluffy white clouds hanging low in the sky, Merlin was waiting by his door-

  
_**Merlin Was Waiting By His Door?!?!**_

  
Lancelot pulled a double take, sure enough Merlin was little more than two feet to Lancelot’s left, seated on the half wall the framed a small courtyard and cutting the area off from the corridor of knight’s quarters in the inner keep. Better yet, Merlin had noticed Lancelot and was looking right at him.

  
“Morning Merlin, don’t you have a ‘Princess’ to be waking up?” Lancelot joked, resting his arm on the little-above-waist-high window sill and making himself comfortable.

  
“Morning Lancelot,” Merlin grinned laughing lightly at the joke. “Not yet, Arthur had made it quite clear that he’s not to be woken until after sunrise. I was up, figured you’d be as well.”

  
Grinning back at his friend Lancelot could tell that Merlin had something on mind. “Give me a moment to find some breaches would you?”

  
Breaches found and dawned, Lancelot let Merlin into his rooms. Many of the knight were housed within the castle, mostly for convenience, unless they had wives and families of their own; then they often chose to live in town.

  
Lancelot, rather lacking a wife, was more than happy to stay in the knights quarters, simple as they were; he had a table with three chairs, a bed, chest of drawers for clothes, another table and chest for his armor and weapons, a half empty bookshelf with as many trinkets as books, a small stove for both cooking and heating the room, and a pair of small cupboards by the stove: one for food and other for almost everything else. All of this was fitted into two spacious rooms.

  
Taking a wrapped loaf of bread, a pair of cups, a pitcher of barley water, and a plate of salted meat from his cupboards Lancelot laid it all on the table, inviting Merlin to sit as he cut himself a thick slice of bread and poured them each a drink.

  
“You have that look about you; what’s on your mind Merlin?” Lancelot asked, the pair had been friends for a long time, and Merlin had barely just sat down when Lancelot began asking questions. The knight rarely bothered dancing around issues. Sometimes it was helpful, others not so much. 

  
“I can’t fool you can I?” The warlock laughed cutting himself a slice of meat. “I’ve been thinking. . . . about something Gwaine said last night.”

  
Trying not to let on that he knew more than he probably ought to, Lancelot made some rather non committal humming sounds.

  
“He said that he loves me,” Merlin’s voice had softened, while giving his food a funny look; as if the salted pork knew Gwaine well enough to voice an opinion on the matter at hand.

  
Lancelot on the other hand put his food down and just stared at Merlin, trying to read him. “And? Do you love him back?” Lancelot prompted, carefully watching his friend.

  
With a snort of derision Merlin stuffed a bite of meat into his mouth. Buying time Lancelot would bet. “It’s not a matter of Loving him or not now is it? We’re both guys. Besides, I have my duty to Arthur.”

  
“You’re defecting!” Lancelot accused, “It is a matter of loving him or not, don’t you think Gwaine ought to have a proper answer?”  
Picking his food back up, Lancelot couldn’t help wondering if he was getting involved where he shouldn’t. But, he was friends with both men and he didn’t want to see either one hurt.

  
Maybe - _this one time at least_ \- a little meddling was okay?

  
“Gwaine would have been too drunk to remember.”

  
Now it was Lancelot’s turn to snort. “And if he wasn’t?” The knight asked around a mouthful of salted deer meat.

  
Fiddling with his hands, Merlin avoided looking at Lancelot. “He was, I’m sure of it.”

  
“Still not fair and you know it. You ought to give the man an answer.”

  
Unable to deny the truth Lancelot was serving up with breakfast Merlin took a moment and really thought. Did he actually love Gwaine in that way? Sure he’d noticed how good looking Gwaine was compared to. . . . well everyone really. But could that mean that he loved him? Sure they were friends, apart from Lancelot; Gwaine was one of Merlin’s closest - _and best_ \- friend, sure Gwaine was good looking, but could that be love? Regardless of whether or not they were both men, could Merlin ever be with Gwaine in that way?

  
A brief trip into his imagination confirmed that yes, Merlin could _definitely_ be with Gwaine in that way if it turned out to be even half as good as he just - _briefly_ \- imagined.

  
“Well?” Lancelot asked, Merlin having taken too long to contemplate for the knights taste.

  
Merlin shook himself back to the present and looked out the window. “Sun's almost up.”

  
“Yes it is, but as I was say-”

  
“I ought to go wake up Arthur.” Merlin said, cutting Lancelot off.

  
Standing and quicking crossing the room Merlin paused, his hand on the door, “But you’re right, I should tell Gwaine, whether that drunken idiot remembers what he’d said or not.” Merlin confessed, shooting Lancelot a bright goofy smile before he left.

  
Leaning back in his seat, looking out the window at the slowly brightening world, Lancelot was pleased with his morning's work. Hopefully the two would take a step forward, something told Lancelot that Merlin and Gwaine could be good for each other, they only had three small problems: One, both of them being male, and two, Merlin’s magic, and three, Melin’s obsession with his ‘Duty’ to Arthur. Unlike Gwaine though Lancelot had faith that the two of them would be able to sort themselves out.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who gave kudos, commented, and bookmarked you make my day!
> 
> So just in case you haven't noticed yet but the story title actually comes from the song 'If I Had A Heart' by Fever Ray, this chapter title comes from the song 'Maps' by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
> 
> Find more of my work @ fanfiction.net/~solariaa
> 
> Anyways that all for now, favorite, comment, review, follow, I don't know but if you liked it let me know because I survive off of attention.


	4. Lancelot Knows What's Best, At Least, He thinks So.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lancelot outright meddles

If there was one thing Merlin hated about Lancelot it would be how damn near perfect the man was. It was also for this reason that Merlin couldn’t bring himself to actually hate Lancelot. Though common born he had a solid sense of nobility and a sense of right and wrong, he was humble, strong, absolutely deadly with a sword, and selfless. Lancelot was: honest, supportive, helpful, trustworthy, and just generally everything a good knight ought to be.

  
In this moment, while leaving Lancelot’s chambers, Merlin almost hated how right the knight was; almost.

  
Gwaine did deserve to know, to have Merlin properly answer his feelings.

  
It was for this reason that Merlin instead opted to wake Arthur at sunrise, not after. Sure he got yelled at, and sure, Merlin collected yet another bruise for his troubles when he failed to dodge the bronze candle branch that Arthur threw at him. But at least Merlin could now put off talking to Gwaine about feelings.

  
The thought made Merlin shudder. After everything that had happened with Freya, everything the continued to happen with Arthur, destiny, and what not, Merlin feared that any other relationship would turn out to be little more than a recasting of ‘ _That_ ’ particularly painful story.

  
A story Gwaine seemed to be interested in Co-starring.

  
Well! Not on Merlin’s watch. _No sire_ , there was no way Merlin would be trying something like that again. Especially not with Gwaine, the knight was easily one of Merlin’s best friends, there was no way Merlin would allow something like ‘ _That_ ’ to happen again.

 

~~o~~

 

Gwaine’s day was spent as one long, painful, demeaning, grueling, tedious, and exhausting ordeal. Which really just meant training in every other knights book. But Gwaine was nothing if not dramatic.

  
As it was Arthur had woken up sour, Gwaine was at least noticeably if not obviously hung over, Elyan had taken a blow to the shoulder the day before and was understandably excused for the day, Lancelot’s form in swordsmanship was so flawless that Leon had excused him from training, and Percival was practicing not beheading a training dummy with a single blow. All of which meant that both Arthur and Leon took special attention in Gwaine’s training. The cherry on top was when Elyan and Lancelot began shouting contradicting advice from the sidelines.

  
Feeling thoroughly victimized, and more than appropriately maltreated, Gwaine survived another day of knight training.

  
Despite having been subjected to twice the normal amount of tutorage Gwaine still noticed Merlin, or rather the lack thereof. As luck would have it Merlin had been given more than enough chores to keep busy so he might avoid Gwaine.

  
Something both Gwaine and Lancelot took note of even if neither said anything about it to the other.

  
So, when Merlin did turn up at the armory - _being half dragged by Lancelot_ \- after the knights were released from training Gwaine wasn’t sure if he should confront him or run to the next kingdom. As is was Gwaine opted for turning to stone and stood there like some great big looby.

  
Lancelot though was a man with a plan.

  
The golden knight was quite sure the Merlin’s absence at training had been planned and when he’d found the wizard happily cleaning out the sables Lancelot knew he’d been right all along.

  
‘ _In for a penny, in for a pound!’_ Lancelot reasoned. He'd already ended up getting involved in whatever was going on between Merlin and Gwaine. He’d already been meddling just that same morning. What was little bit more? So with a bit of guilt and lot of shoving Lancelot herded Merlin along to the armory, making sure to remind his friend every five feet that Merlin and Gwaine had to talk about what had happened, what had been said, and all that.

  
Merlin just professed his undying hatred for how painfully right Lancelot was.

  
“Well there he is,” Lancelot snapped somehow managing to sound friendly despite his annoyance with his pair of idiot friends. “Go talk to him already.”

  
With that said the knight gave Merlin a friendly shove right into Gwaine’s back with at least thrice the necessary force.

  
At Merlin and and Lancelot’s approach Gwaine had turned around - _the greave he’d been polishing still in his hand_ \- and began a long complex debate with himself about whether or not running away could in fact be considered cowardly. Before he could come up with an answer Merlin was shoved into his back.

  
But by the time Gwaine turned around and helped Merlin to his feet Lancelot had buggered off and taken anyone left in the armory with him. When Lancelot wanted a room of Knights cleared it was cleared. Even though Lancelot was a known commoner by birth he was still considered by his fellow Knights to be the most Noble among them and as such was well respected within the Ranks of Camelot's finest. Even though every Knight in the armory was quite confused as to  _why_ Lancelot of all people was shoving Merlin and  Gwaine  of all people together none hung about to ask any questions.

  
With a solid thud Lancelot closed the door leaving Merlin and Gwaine were alone.

  
For a long time neither man said anything; neither man had a clue what to say anyways. So they just settled for awkward silence. Both standing closer than they ought to, Gwaine's greave lay forgot where he'd dropped it on the floor, and both of them stood around wondering how to start.

  
“I was pretty drunk last night, wasn’t I?” Gwaine asked, his attempt at a joking tone that come out sounding much too strained and forced.

  
“Well,” Merlin replied, dropping any pretence of social grace. “You did confess that you’re in love me. I’d say that’s more than just ‘ _pretty drunk_ ’.”

  
Trying to brush the matter off Gwaine let out a painfully strained laugh and reached up to mess up his hair. “Yeah. . . .”

  
Another awkward silence settled over the pair, this one even heavier than the last. Gwaine took a half step back, falling back into his earlier seat on one of the armories many benches, Merlin followed suit and took a seat across from Gwaine on another bench.

  
Resting his elbows on his knees Gwaine let his face fall forward, he knew what he had to say, he just didn’t know how to say it.

  
“You know Merlin, I meant it. I am in love with you.”

  
That was the moment Merlin shut him down.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you expect that? No? WELL WHY NOT? Honesty Merlin wasn't going to fold after a little bit of a pep talk from Lancelot. 
> 
> Moving on, thank you to everyone who gave kudos, commented, and bookmarked, you make my day!
> 
> Find more of my work @ fanfiction.net/~solariaa
> 
> Anyways that all for now, give kudos, favorite, comment, bookmark, review, follow, I don't know but if you liked it let me know because I survive off of attention.


	5. Just Can't Wait To Be On The Road Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwaine gets drunk and spews up poor Latin and for once Lancelot isn't 100% perfect

No one, save Gwaine and Merlin, ever knew just what was said. But it is more than safe to say that the ensuing conversation was very awkward for both parties, very nearly ruined the friendship, and broke Gwaine's heart. Because when all was said and done Merlin had very thoroughly stomped on any idea Gwaine might have had about the pair of them ever being together.

Merlin went straight to his chambers, ignoring Gaius along the way, and locked himself in his room to forget that the last 24 hours had ever happened.

Gwaine tried to drown himself in mead.

 

~~o~~

 

The night was pleasantly cool after a long hot day and the clouds blocked out most of the stars and moon leaving the whole world darker than it would normally be. It was getting to the dark point of the night, even the moon was starting to lower in the sky, and the last of the local Taverns were closing when Lancelot arrived to collect Gwaine. A runner had come to the castle with word for the first knight he saw that Gwaine would need a hand home.

That knight happened to be Lancelot. Who was starting to feel more like a baby sitter the longer he watched Gwaine. Gwaine: who was so deep in his cup that he’s stopped speaking common English altogether and had begun ranting in the Latin he’d once learned as a child of noble blood. Not that Lancelot knew where Gwaine had learned latin.

“I’m assuming this means things went poorly with Merlin?” Lancelot grunted, helping Gwaine along, and wondering where someone like _**GWAINE**   _of all people would learn Latin.

“Poorly?” Gwaine Scoffed. “Perfectus clade! Finem mundi. Ego illi dicam, cum cogitat ego iacentem diligentibus se!” The drunk was yelling right in poor Lancelot’s face until he promptly fell over. Laying in the middle of the road Gwaine covered his face with an arm, though Lancelot could still see tear tracks on the cheeks of his fellow knight.“Fastidit mei. Merlin putem mentiri eum.”

“You know, I haven't the faintest clue what all that means.” Lancelot said, crouching down beside Gwaine. He knew from experience that Gwaine would stand up when he was good and ready and no amount of pulling would get him up until then.

Among the mix of english and Latin Lancelot did get one almost complete sentence from Gwaine: “He wants to ‘oblitus’ about the thing I said dum ego was inebriari.”

After much ranting, a little bit of crying, a lot of prodding persuasion, and just a tiny bit of begging, Lancelot finally got Gwaine back to his rooms.

It turned out that Gwaine’s door was lock and he had no idea where the key could be.

By this point Lancelot had had more than enough of the drunk. With an apology to Gwaine Lancelot finally ripped Gwaine’s shutters open and pitched the drunk knight into his rooms head first through the window. Gwaine fell asleep where he landed on the floor and Lancelot did his best not to stomp the whole way to his rooms to get some rest before training. The whole time he was grumbling about how no one could be perfect all the time.

 

~~o~~

 

It was three long awkward days after Gwaine and Merlin’s conversion. Things between the two were so obviously strained that everyone noticed; even Arthur noticed. No one could get any clear answer as to what had happened. Eventually they stopped asking when Lancelot snapped and loudly told Leon that it was between Gwaine and Merlin and none of his business.

Despite Merlin’s newest hobby: Avoiding Gwaine. Despite Lancelot’s warning that Merlin would have to actually talk to Gwaine if Merlin was to come. And despite Arthur’s saying the Merlin really, _really_ shouldn’t be coming; he was a just servant after all. The warlock in hiding still followed the knights of Camelot when they left to help a nearby town with a bandit problem.

The long four day ride was a whole new level of uncomfortable for everyone.

The first day on the road was uncomfortable, but everyone was excited to be in the saddle and off on any sort of quest. Until the dark clouds which hung over Gwaine and Merlin brought everyone down.

As it was Merlin and Gwaine still weren’t talking, Arthur, Leon, and Elyan had given up on getting either Merlin or Gwaine to talk but Percival hadn’t and neither had Lancelot. The two knights didn’t seem to know if they should side with either Merlin and Gwaine and but instead tried to engage everyone.

Percival, normally the quietest of the group, used stories, trying to get everyone to tell their own but he was rather quiet and awkward about it. Still Leon and Elyan played along each tell stories in turn.

On the other hand Lancelot spent his time riding up and down the column, riding with Arthur for a time and talking tactic, then Gwaine, Percival and the rest of the knights in turn when he joined in on the stories and jokes even telling a few of his own, then with Merlin at the rear where they spoke in low whispers and Lancelot kept telling Merlin what the warlock already knew.

The second day was ever worst than the first.

The normally chatty Gwaine rode as far ahead of Merlin as he could without leaving sight of the rest of the knights. Tall trees rose high on both sides of the road, their canopies shading the group from the worst of the sun's heat, enough light finding its way through that the path was still rather well lite. It would have been a perfect day, if not for the clouds that followed Gwaine and Merlin. Dark, heavy clouds that threw their shadows over the whole group.

Arthur was short tempered, Leon was irritable, Eylan was wondering why he’d ever agreed to knighthood, Percival was gloomy, and Lancelot had just plain given up by that point.

After another long day in the saddle the party made camp once more in a clearing off the main road, and well hidden by the trees. It had been a tiring day on every level. Most of the knights were feeling exhausted, there was little chatting as each man went about his duties. Lancelot kept giving both Gwaine and Merlin pointed looks and soon everyone was helping him.

When Merlin left to collect firewood everyone turned on Gwaine. Without speaking they began pressuring the knight to go talk with the prince’s servant.

“ **FINE!** ” Gwaine finally yelled, throwing his hands up halfway through grooming his horse. “Look at me! I’m going to talk to Merlin! You can all stop now because I’m going! Probably going to get _killed_ for it. But I’m going, are you all happy?”

“Oh shut up and go then!” Arthur snapped as Gwaine stomped away.

Once Gwaine disappeared between the tree the knight all shared small smiles of victory, each one hoping that the two men would sort things out and come back as friends.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The latin is supposed to be something along the lines of "Perfect disaster! End of the world. He thinks I am lying when I say I him love him." and "Nothing for me. Merlin think I lie." But he's drunk and google can only do so much.
> 
> Find more of my work @ fanfiction.net/~solariaa
> 
> Anyways that all for now, give kudos, favorite, comment, bookmark, review, follow, I don't know but if you liked it let me know because I survive off of attention.


	6. Why Did You Never Come Clean With Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here you go internet, my Christmas gift to you! Updates on my fanfics.

It was shortly after Gwaine lost sight of his fellow knights that he paused, stopping at what appeared to be a natural cross road of sorts. Tracks of animals, clovers, wildflowers, and a scattered collection of stones marked the area. Gwaine had no idea what he should be saying. Should he apologize? With a grimace Gwaine remember the last time he’d talked to Merlin and decided that no; if anything Merlin owed Gwaine an apology. There were rejections and then there was _that_.

With a sigh Gwaine turned to rest his forehead on the closest tree trunk. This wasn’t helping, he still had no idea what he ought to be saying to Merlin.

With a bit more force than strictly necessary Gwaine began pounding his head against the tree muttering “Think, think, think!” to himself. All Gwaine managed to think about was how big of a mess the falling bark would make of his hair.

Apparently self abuse wasn’t going to get him anywhere either.

“What are you doing?” A confused spoke up behind Gwaine.

“I’m thinking.” Gwaine told the tree.

“Ahhhh,” came the all too familiar voice from behind him.

“Do you hate me now?” Gwaine asked, he voice remorseful.

Merlin, standing there with his arms full of soon-to-be firewood, didn’t really know what to say. How could he ever hate Gwaine? “I don’t hate you Gwaine. I could never hate you.”

Sighing the knight finally turned from the tree,

“But you don’t love me either,” It was hardly a question. But that was thing, Merlin couldn’t honestly answer it if it had been.

Instead the wizard looked away guiltily.

“It’s okay,” Gwaine spoke up, mistaking the reason for Merlin’s uncomfortable expression. “Two guys, it’s strange isn’t it. When I first started feeling things for you, I thought it was just the mood, just the light, just the booze. Then I thought I might be gay, but I wasn’t.” Gwaine sighed, he could believe he was actually explaining all of this to Merlin, but he couldn’t stop himself. "I don’t. . . . I didn’t mean to tell you when I was drunk. I half hoped you’d just brush it off but. . . . I guess something like this. . . . it isn’t something we can just sweep under a rug is it?”

It was Merlin’s turn to sigh now. “No it isn’t ‘ _something we can just sweep under a rug_ ’.” The warlocks smile was pained as he leaned back against a tree watching his friend. Merlin looked up at Gwaine his brow furrowed in thought. “Wait, you’re not gay? Then why . . . . ? I mean how can you-?”

“-Say that I love you?” The knight cut Merlin off, smirking in both pain and amusement. “Well I got the urge to kiss you a few too many times, so I thought ‘ _Maybe I’m gay?_ ’ So I got very drunk and kissed several men. Turns out I’m not gay, I just really like you Merlin. Only you.”

Snorting the taller man did his best to hold back his laughter.

Gwaine was watching with a half pained, half amused smile still. “Oh no, go on, laugh it up. I’d probably find it funny myself. The loose drunken knight who’d slept with half the ladies of the land, in love with the king's personal dorky servant.”

“A true tale of love for the ages.” Merlin piled on laughing loudly.

Pained Gwaine grunted, “Don’t know about that, people normally like a happy ending. If it was a love story for the ages we’d. . . .” The knight trailed off, as did Merlin’s amusement. The air around them was once more tense and strained, all the lightness suddenly sober once more.

The very forest seemed in tune with the atmosphere about the two men. It felt as if the canopy was trying to block out the sun, as if the winds were avoiding the pair so it couldn’t steal any of the words they so badly needed to break. All the light little sounds of forest life had gone quiet, the small critters had gone to ground and the predators seemed to have moved on with their hunt. The only sounds were leaves, wind, and gentle rustling, under it was a hushed, almost whisper like and seeming distant chatter.

The two men continued to face each other, but neither could look at the other.

Both felt they were at a bit of a standoff, neither one sure what to say or do to mend the damage done to their friendship.

Unknown to the men a bit of an audience had gathered. It was not them that had driven away the local wildlife, but rather the drama had brought a different sort out of hiding. All about them pixies and other small Fae creatures were taking up seats to what they found a most interesting show. After all, the men had stopped at a Fae cross road, what could the expect?

Merlin was the first to feel the change as more and more pixies, fairies, and brownies arrived through the cross road to watch. Though he didn’t know what it was he felt the slightest change and growing magic as more Fae creatures came, he felt the eyes on him and from the way Gwaine was starting to shift about he felt the eyes too.

Both men began to look about, not seeing anything but feeling exposed, watched.

Without speaking both turned back towards camp, it was getting late anyways, better to return now before whatever was watching them showed up.

This annoyed the pixies and brownies, each little being whispering to his or her neighbor, how could the humans do this? Such a tense love, nothing had been resolved! The little watchers wanted a show, and they were all suckers for love. Just a kiss! Even a small one, the humans couldn’t leave yet, not when the so clearly felt for one another.

The reaction as Merlin and Gwaine made to leave was immediate, movement all about, soft almost chatting alien sounds, and the rustling of leaves. The men stopped dead as all about them eyes peered from behind trees.

At first is was a soft whisper, a question from one pixie to another, to their brownie neighbor, to the fairy fluttering nearby.

Then passed down the line until every being had picked up the word.

“ _Emrys_.”

To Merlin though there was much more, each creature was suddenly stirred up twice as much and three times more excited. Not only was this a love story for the Fae beings but a love story starring the great Emrys!

Each and every pixie, fairy, and brownie had to know if anything would come of this now. The excitement of so many magical beings was something new, unlike anything Merlin had ever experienced before. The young warlock had never been so surrounded by so much magic all at once.

He wanted to scream for all of them to shut up!

But Merlin knew he couldn’t, not in front of Gwaine, that would be revealing his magic and wasn’t that exactly why he refused Gwaine’s affection in the first place.

Gwaine on the other had no idea what was watching them, he had no idea what ‘ _Emrys_ ’ meant, and he had no idea why Merlin suddenly looked sick. So Gwaine did what made sense for Gwaine, he reached for his sword, a sword he had left back as camp. An action that left him blindly groping at his belt and cursing.

Well now the Faes were even more fired up.

“ _Miqula_ ,” The first whispered to her neighbor.

“ _Ro miqul’aya ho_.” Came the soft reply.

Neither man knew what was being said but all around them creatures whispered to each other in excitement. “ _Miqula_!” they sang out. “ _Miqula ho!_ ”

“I think you’ve upset them,” Merlin said as Gwaine continued to curse the sword he’d left behind.

“Really? You don’t say!”

Grunting his annoyance Merlin rolled his eyes. “As a matter of fact I do-”

“-Normally I love listening you mouth off but not the best time.” Gwaine snapped eyeing the foliage in suspicion. “I say we run for it.”

“Run?” Merlin rolled his eyes, first Gwaine starts it and now his best idea: Running!

Strong, broad, callous hands reached for Merlin's arms, still full of wood, and a hush fell. All the Fae creatures shut up as the men moved closer, waiting, watching, burning to watch the conclusion to the short yet gripping story they watched unfold.

Surprised at the sudden hush Merlin and Gwaine locked eyes both of their faces reflecting the same questions: “Why? What are they? What do they want?”

Neither man had any answer.

“You don’t think. . . . I mean, something couldn’t be listening to us, coul-” Gwaine began confused and a fair bit embarrassed.

“Oh something is definitely watching us, pretty sure it’s magical.” Merlin looked around, racking his brain for anything. Shifting the wood in his arms - _it was getting heavy!_ \- Merlin’s eyes caught one of the stones. Worn smooth with only a faint druid carving, not moving but looking closer Merlin noticed a few more carved stones lining the area that could barely be called a clearing.

It wasn’t until Merlin recognised the carving for ‘ _Fae_ ’ that he noticed where they must be standing.

“I-I don’t think the mean to hurt us.” Merlin said, trying to figure out how to get away from the crossroad and wondering where the guardian of said crossroads was.

“Yeah,” Gwaine grimused. “I almost feel like they’re enjoying the show. If they like this,” Gwaine’s hands fell away from Merlin. “They should have seen the time you rejected me. Bet they’d have loved it.”

Something painful twisted in Merlin’s chest. Over the past few days Merlin had come to accept that he might like Gwaine. Whenever such thought came up though Merlin just did his best to remember Fraya dying in his arms, putting her to rest in the lake, he remembered Will, watching Will go down with an arrow in him, he remembered the light leaving their eyes, the weight of cold dead bodies. It wasn’t healthy but it worked.

“I didn’t want to hurt you.” The words fell, pained and unbidden from Merlin’s lips before he could stop himself.

The smile Gwaine gave him hurt Merlin almost as much as watching Fraya die.

“Could have fooled me.”

Gwaine stepped back, the fairies and pixies tearfully grabbed at each other, brownies past snacks back and forth, and Merlin dropped all the wood - _It was so heavy it hurt anyways_ \- and grabbed Gwaine’s arm. “And what should I have done?!” Merlin shouted. “I know you Gwaine! If I’d left you any hope could you honestly say you’d give up?!

“I-I had to. You and I, we’d never work out.”

“Why?”

Once more the Pixies were silent, and Merlin tried to find the right answer.

‘ _We’re both men_.’

‘ _You’re a knight; I’m a servant._ ’

‘ _I have magic._ ’

‘ _I’m afraid. . . ._ ’

‘. _. . . Afraid you’ll leave me._ ’

‘. . . . _Afraid you’ll change your mind._ ’

‘. . . . _Afraid you’ll learn who-what I am._ ’

‘. . . . _So afraid_.’

‘. . . . _Afraid I’ll fuck this up_.’

‘. . . . _Afraid I’ll get you killed_.’

“I. . . .” Merlin began, “I’m afraid.”

Turing to fully face the taller man Gwaine put his free hand over Merlin’s hand still gripping his arm. “Of what?”

“. . . . Everything I can think of. Gwaine I- there’s so much I never told you, so much I’ve never told anyone.”

“So tell me!” Gwaine begged stepping closer. “Tell me, whatever it is, whatever you’re afraid of, let me help you.”

Well there was a problem. How could Merlin openly explain his fears without telling Gwaine about his magic, about his destiny, about being Emrys. It was one thing having Lancelot learn of his magic had been accident, quite another to outright tell Gwaine.

All round the pixies had begun whispering advice, calls of “ _Nyara ho!_ ”, “ _Miqula!_ ”, “ _Quena anwa Emrys!_ ”, “ _Nyara ho lle mela ho!_ ”, and “ _Miqula ho!_ ”.

“ _Ro miqul’aya ho._ ” One Brownie advised, only to be slapped by his companion.

“ _N'uma! Ron must quena yeste'_.”

To the men the voices sounded like little more that the rustle of leaves in a strong wind, or the rushing of fast water in a stream. The advice was lost on them.

“I can’t Gwaine!” Merlin shouted. He could feel the tell tale pricking of coming tears as the warlock remembered his past, past loves, past crushes, the way Will fell with an arrow in him, his father's goodbye, and Fraya's face. There was a reason he’d kept love out of his life, it got in the way of what he should do, what he had to do as Emrys. After all, Merlin had magic, he was Arthur’s servant. He was Emrys; he had a destiny, and love just wasn’t part of that. Gwaine wasn’t part of that.

“You can! You can tell me!” Gwaine shouted back, his voice breaking. “You just don’t want to.”

“How can I tell you?! You’re a Knight of Camelot Gwaine! If I told you you’d have t-” Merlin stopped himself looking away. In his shouting he’d almost confessed to his magic. He’d almost gotten himself killed. At least imprisoned for life or banished.

Once more strong calloused hands reached for the taller man, one hand on Merlin’s shoulder, the other under his chin, Gwaine coxed Merlin to look at him. “I’d have to _what_? ** _Kill_** you?”

It was a joke.

Of course it was, but Merlin’s expression, the way he flinched, Merlin gave it away.

“You’re not- you _can’t_ be-” Gwaine began tripping over his words. “Why?”

Unsure what else to say Merlin said nothing but still three simple words sealed Merlin’s fate.

“You have magic.”

Merlin had no idea how Gwaine knew, no idea how he’d even guessed it. But guess the Knight had.

“I wouldn’t tell.”

“Then you’re betraying your King.”

The words ‘ _Arthur is your King, not mine_.’ sat on the tip of Gwaine’s tongue not that he’d say them. Sure it started out like that, Gwaine had only stayed at first to be closer to Merlin, but it hadn’t stayed that way.

“Rather betrayal him th-.”

“- **Don’t**.” Merlin cut Gwaine off, looking deep into the knight’s pained eyes. “Don’t betray Arthur for me.” Merlin stared Gwaine down for a moment, the warlocks gaze searching the knight’s face intently before glancing about the clearing. At some point the fae all around had shut up to better hear what was being said and Merlin was gadging the possibility of just walking away.

Gwaine studied Merlin’s face right back. The king’s manservant looked pale, pained, determined, and he had a stubborn set to his jaw but underneath Gawain could see the slightly fearful worry, his eyes shiny with unshed tears. The knight was pretty sure his face held a similar expression. “You would have me betray my heart?”

“I would have you keep your oath.”

“Merlin I-I _can’t_. There’s no place for me in Camelot if you’re not there.” With a slight jerk of his chin Merlin tried to look away but Gwaine kept the other man in place with a hand on his jaw. “I’m sorry Merlin, but I don’t know how to go on without you. You-you’re no threat to Camelot, you-you haven’t even really admitted-”

“-Gwaine I have ma-!”

“-Don’t!” Gwaine covered Merlin’s mouth. “If you say it then where will that leave me? We both know magic isn’t evil.”

“ _Both_?” Merlin questioned surprised, his voice muffled by the hand still covering his mouth.

Sighing Gwaine took his hand from Merlin’s face to drag it through his hair. “Well it’s not like I _only_ ever went from tavern to tavern getting drunk. I traveled before settling in Camelot, I traveled a lot actually. It’s strange, sure in Camelot and the surrounding area magic is feared; hated even. But when you get far enough away. . . . As far as I’ve been. . . . I have seen magic used here and there, normally just small touches of it in everyday life: like lighting a hearth fire, or drying laundry when it rains. I’ve seen it used for good and bad, to entertain children or curse a cheating lover. I’ve see magic heal and harm, I’ve seen magic used for the most sublime kindness, but only in Camelot have I seen it used for such vail cruelty.

“Only in Camelot is magic outlawed. So how can I tell Arthur? When I don’t agree with such laws. How can I condemn you to an almost certain death for magic?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who gave kudos, commented, and bookmarked you make my day!
> 
> Props to anyone who can figure out what the pixies are saying cause I lost my translations XD I COULD go looking it all up again but honestly? I'm a lazy piece of shit. Oh well :3
> 
> Find more of my work @ fanfiction.net/~solariaa
> 
> Anyways that all for now, favorite, comment, review, follow, I don't know but if you liked it let me know because I survive off of attention.


	7. The Guardian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this took way to long, I'm sorry but like, better late than never right?

Merlin swallowed. He’d only ever known his magic as a death sentence, never thought that it might be different somewhere else. Opening his mouth a few times Merlin tried to say something, anything but he couldn’t find the words and kept closing his mouth again without saying anything.

The snapping of a twig drew everyone’s attention, human and fey alike turned to the great beast. It looked like a wolf-shaped hill covered in weeds and bush had stood up, the beast's coat was grass, leaves, and vines flowing back into its long tail of whipping greenery, lips of tangles foliage pulled back over dagger like yellowed teeth and fangs bared in a silent snarl, and from the mess glared out two red eyes glowing like embers.

“ _And why,_ ” the beast growled out loud as its voice rang out clear and menacing in the minds of the two humans, “ _do you humans dare defile my crossroad?_ ”

Without even having to think Gwaine reached for his sword- only to have his hand close over empty air. In a panic Gwaine remembered removing his sword before he began taking care of his horse; he hadn’t picked it back up before he left the makeshift camp.

Merlin was already stepping forward, swallowing his nerves back, he _had_ been wondering where the guardian. Sooner or later Merlin figured he was going to learn better than to ask questions he _really_ didn’t want the answer to. “We aren’t defiling anything,” he said through his tone made it sound more like a question than anything.

“ _What are you doing?!_ ” Gwaine hissed one hand closing over Merlin’s wrist as if he were about to pull the other man behind him.

Rolling his eyes Merlin shook Gwaine off, he didn’t know _much_ about crossroad guardians but he was hoping he knew enough to stumble his way through the encounter without dying.

The beast, meanwhile, had trained both of its glowing eyes on Merlin, meeting the creature's eyes had the warlock feeling like he was looking deep into the embers of a banked fire. Like those hidden flames could be left to die out on their own or stoked back into a roaring flame that would burn both himself and Gwaine. It wasn’t a comforting thought and Merlin took one slow step back. His back meeting with Gwaine’s chest as the Knight placed both hands on Merlin’s upper arm.

The Guardian didn’t move, it watched, waited, head tilted over so slightly that made Merlin feel like it was waiting.

“We-” Merlin began, voice rough he cleared his throat and tried again, “We’re sorry for trespassing, we were merely talking. We did not intend to defile your crossroads. If you would let us, we’ll leave and cause you no more trouble.”

“ _So,_ ” the voice rang once more in the minds of Gwaine and Merlin, and Merlin felt more than he heard the sharp intake from breath from Gwaine. “ _You mean to tell me you_ weren’t _attempting to pass through?_ ”

Before Gwaine could say anything Merlin spoke up, “We would never _dream_ of trying to sneak through without your permission great guardian. No, we merely got caught up in talking, as I said, if you’d be so kind as to let us. . . .” Merlin explained trailing off as the great green leafy guardian turned its large head. Straining his ears Merlin could _just_ hear the approach of someone else. The crashing of armoured boots though forest underbrush distinctive even at a bit of a distance.

The guardian turned back to Merlin, lips of foliage lifting back to show off yellowed teeth in another low growl, “ _Is that_ thing _with you?_ ”

“I, umm, I think. . . .?” Merlin hesitated, unsure what the proper answer was.

“Our travelling companions are probably looking for us,” Gwaine spoke up, voice sounding confident but Merlin could hear just the slightest hint of strain underneath. He could feel the tension in Gwaine’s grip on his arms. “Like my friend said, we meant no disrespect, we’re sorry for trespassing, and we would be most grateful if you would just let us go, we’d be on our way and not bother you any further.”

The growl has died down to a deep threatening rubble in the beast's throat, it’s teeth still bared as it turned it’s burning eyes from Merlin to Gwaine and back again. “ _Do not think I don’t know_ who _and_ what _you are Warlock,_ ” the deep voice echoed in their minds, “ _But since you haven’t tried to slip past since you don’t smell like liars I shall let you go. Do so now before I change my mind._ ”

Stunned Merlin nodded slowly and stiffly as both he and Gwaine stepped back, “Ye-yes, of course, thank you,” Merlin said neither he nor Gwaine dared to turn away from the guardian until it disappeared. The Guardian took a few steps back, matching Gwaine and Merlin step for step as all three backed out of the crossroads before it lowered it’s great bulk back down to earth. It looked as if it were completely melting into the foliage and underbrush, only two burning red lupin eyes gave the guardian away. Then a tree blocked Merlin and Gwaine’s view, only for a moment, and they lost all sight of the guardian. Stunned Gwaine stumbled his next step backwards, groaning Merlin grabbed Gwaine’s wrist and fleed pulling the knight in his wake.

When both men felt they were far enough away they slowed to catch their breath, Merlin panting and doubled over with his hands braced on his knees, Gwaine leading with his back to a tree, one hand pushed sweat-soaked hair from his face.

“Well,” Gwaine began, panting from the brief run and shaky with adrenaline. “That was sort of anticlimactic don’t you think?”

Merlin snorted in amusement, shoulders shaking as he laughed. “Oh man, we could have _died_ Gwaine! That was a damn Guardian! He could have _\- should have_ killed us!”

Grinning Gwaine winked at Merlin when he caught the warlocks eye, “But he didn’t and we walked away. Everything worked out,” Gwaine replied almost happily as he caught his breath and stood up straighter.

“We didn’t ‘walk away’, we ran away.” Merlin corrected dryly.

Shrugging Gwaine waved Merlin off, “The point is we survived whatever that was.”

“Crossroad guardian,” Merlin corrected Gwaine again. “Now I need to collect more firewood,” he continued with a sigh as stretched his back and cast his gaze downward. “I’m sure Arthur’s going to come looking for us any second now,” Merlin sighed bending down to pick up some wood.

Frowning Gwaine decided help, “Doubt it, the Princesses, along with everyone else, wanted me to come to talk to you, makeup as it were. They probably think you’ve killed me and now you’re burying the body.” The knight said, jokingly as he tried to lighten the mood.

Merlin made a noncommittal noise, refusing to look at Gwaine, “I’m still not changing my answer,” he said quietly.

“But Mer-”

“-Please Gwaine!” Merlin cut the knight off, pointedly not looking Gwaine’s direction as he worked, “ _Please,_ ” he added softly not sure just what he was pleading for just knowing he didn’t have it him to keep talking about the matter for now.

With a sigh, Gwaine gave up for the moment and picked up another piece of possible firewood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awe man I'm so sorry this took so long everyone! But like, I'm just a terrible human being, and so this happened. Also life, lots of life happened but I don't wanna go bitching about all of that on notes for a shitty fanfic XD
> 
> Anyways, I'm sorry, have over 1000 words of them rolling persuasion to get out of fighting a crossroads guardian. I hope you all like this part. Also, thank DnD it actually helped to inspire me enough to write it even though I've had this idea for over a year it took a DnD sese with a crossroads guardian for me to finally finish it.


End file.
